How did she find her? What does the girl do? "Sevika stops by". It's so little information, but it's enough for Silco to speculate. Over and over and over. Every iteration of what's happening builds up to something worse. A fever pitch. Ringing in his ears and nowhere to expel the mix of emotions that start with anger, and then move towards something more insidious. Hopelessness. Knowledge of irrelevancy. That black hole that should have been beating in his chest is always at the edge of consumption, at the edge of his vision, threatening him every time he turns his head. If he starts to idle, if he for even a moment stops to turn his head.
It's going to consume everything.
Even here. Even with all of his plans and with his plots, and his... companions β they are not "friends" β if he stops for even a moment, he knows he'll fall back to that point he'd been when he'd arrived. Feral rage. Anger. Threatening to tear this world apart, too. Feeling that insidious little nugget of anger and fury that the matron had cultivated in his heart. Even if things are better here. He has Jinx, he has... other things.
Is it enough? It's never enough. Nothing is ever enough. He feels that anger is still there. Simmering. Boiling just under the surface, always ready to burst. Always threatening to surge forward. Now, he feels it. He wants to tear something apart, again. This world. Someone else. Take a target and destroy it. (The alternative is...)
The problem is, can he be honest? She would leave. (Hasn't she already left?) He hates this. Would she leave again? If he said half of what he was thinking? Of course she would. Couldn't he see it? The way things felt ill-fitting and wrong. The way she seemed to be larger and different than the girl he'd held dying in his arms?
What could he even say?
After everything, isn't it inevitable? That she would simply replace him when he wasn't there? Hadn't everyone else? ]
no subject
How did she find her? What does the girl do? "Sevika stops by". It's so little information, but it's enough for Silco to speculate. Over and over and over. Every iteration of what's happening builds up to something worse. A fever pitch. Ringing in his ears and nowhere to expel the mix of emotions that start with anger, and then move towards something more insidious. Hopelessness. Knowledge of irrelevancy. That black hole that should have been beating in his chest is always at the edge of consumption, at the edge of his vision, threatening him every time he turns his head. If he starts to idle, if he for even a moment stops to turn his head.
It's going to consume everything.
Even here. Even with all of his plans and with his plots, and his... companions β they are not "friends" β if he stops for even a moment, he knows he'll fall back to that point he'd been when he'd arrived. Feral rage. Anger. Threatening to tear this world apart, too. Feeling that insidious little nugget of anger and fury that the matron had cultivated in his heart. Even if things are better here. He has Jinx, he has... other things.
Is it enough? It's never enough. Nothing is ever enough. He feels that anger is still there. Simmering. Boiling just under the surface, always ready to burst. Always threatening to surge forward. Now, he feels it. He wants to tear something apart, again. This world. Someone else. Take a target and destroy it. (The alternative is...)
The problem is, can he be honest? She would leave. (Hasn't she already left?) He hates this. Would she leave again? If he said half of what he was thinking? Of course she would. Couldn't he see it? The way things felt ill-fitting and wrong. The way she seemed to be larger and different than the girl he'd held dying in his arms?
What could he even say?
After everything, isn't it inevitable? That she would simply replace him when he wasn't there? Hadn't everyone else? ]